I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
