i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
