you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
