They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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