No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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