Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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