There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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