I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
