In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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