if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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