My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
