Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
