Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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