What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
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I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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