me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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