remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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