the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
