dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
