hell yes lets make some ravioli
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
