What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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