I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
