I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
