he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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