apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
