Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
