It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
