I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
