Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica