weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER