Can i not drive my cunt home
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize