you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
