I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
