She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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