Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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