Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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