last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
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It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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