I wish I only lived at night.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i love accidental penises.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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