I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
