Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
