I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
