I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
