got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
