you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
