I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
