i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
