I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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