I'm so fucking centered right now
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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