Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
