you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
