3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
