we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
