Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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