You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
