If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
