I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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