Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
