Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
