I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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