his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
