Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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