also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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